


I'll Never Be Ashamed of You

by pinchess07



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Ace! Newt, Asexual Newt Scamander, Cinnamon Roll Newt Scamander, Cuddling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Graves makes him feel better, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Original Percival Graves is a Softie, Sad Newt Scamander, and words of encouragement, coz you can be in a non-sexual relationship and it's still great, just cuddling, without sexing involved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-23
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-11-04 01:52:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10980870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinchess07/pseuds/pinchess07
Summary: Sometimes things happen. Sometimes, it's impossible to ignore the voice in his head telling him that he's unworthy.Sometimes, all he needs is someone to give him a hug until he feel better. Sometimes he just wants to hear someone else tell him that he's important. Sometimes he just needs to hear that he's loved.





	I'll Never Be Ashamed of You

**Author's Note:**

> Not Beta'ed.

He watches his breath fog up while Percy unlocks the door with a flick of his wand. His left hand is in Percy's right, and his right hand is deep in the pocket of his coat, keeping it away from the cold.  

 

"We're home," Percy breathes out in relief as he gently tugs Newt inside. He runs a hand through his hair, flicking snow off. Newt studies Percy's profile—and comes to the realization that Percy is happy and content. With him. With spending time with him. 

 

It's surreal. Perhaps he'd been hit by a Bludger and he's suffering from a concussion. 

 

There's a soft smile lingering in Percy's lips. Newt bets Percy doesn't even notice that he's doing it. 

 

"Earth to Newt," Percy calls. He has his hands on Newt's shoulders, just gently stroking and waiting for Newt to focus back on him. 

 

Newt makes an inquiring sound, not trusting his voice at the moment. 

 

"Let me hang your coat up? Unless you've changed your mind about spending the night..." Percy states, uncertainty lacing his tone. Newt shakes his head and hands over his coat. Percy hangs it on the coat rack right beside his own. It's ridiculous how _warm_ that makes Newt feel.  

 

When he's done hanging the coat, Percy turns back to him. Upon seeing Newt just standing there, his smile grows larger, his expression turning fonder as well. Newt notes the faint crow's feet at the corner of Percy's eyes and thinks, _do I really make you that happy?_   

 

Percy unwinds the Hufflepuff scarf from Newt's neck carefully. "You're inordinately fond of this old thing," he notes. This statement might have offended Newt, if it came from anyone else. Percy, however, is just observing, he knows. There's no ill intent beneath his words. His hands stay careful as they handle the yellow and gray wool scarf, transferring it to the coat rack as well. 

 

Newt hums in agreement.  

 

Percy steps closer, invading Newt's personal space, replacing the scarf with his arms. This close, he actually has to _look up_ at Newt. Where Newt might have frozen or run away had it been other people, here with Percy, he stays relaxed and quiet.  

 

Percy is an exception to a lot of rules in Newt's book.  

 

"Kneazle got your tongue, Mister Scamander?" Percy teases. 

 

"I'm simply awed by the fact that you chose to give little old me the time of day. And that you continue to," Newt blurts out. Percy blushes but doesn't look away. 

 

"Who else am I supposed to give my time of day to, then? _Abernathy?_ " Percy snarks back.  

 

"I'm sure there are other candidates out there who are more deserving of your attention," Newt replies. "Other men who are capable, nice, normal and law-abiding." 

 

Percy raises an eyebrow. "Law-abiding? Newt... please tell me the rumors about the acromantula eggs are entirely unfounded?" 

 

" _Director_ Graves, might I remind you that I was with Auror Goldstein for the whole time I was in MACUSA today and I was nowhere near the place where the thirty-eight endangered Acromantula eggs disappeared," Newt says smugly. 

 

"And should I check your case, I would find no trace of Acromantula eggs anywhere, would I?" 

 

"No," Newt declares triumphantly, then pauses. "However, there are currently thirty-two baby Acromantulas that you've yet to meet since they only came into my possession a few hours ago." 

 

"Dare I ask what happened to the other six?" 

 

Newt feels his mood plummet. "The personnel in charge of them panicked when they started hatching. Luckily his aim was awful." 

 

Newt hates thinking bad of anyone, but in his chosen profession, it's incredibly common for him to run into people who had no qualms about killing innocents. Dangerous magical beasts they may be, but the acromantulas weren't even minutes old. Innocents. 

 

He feels Percy pull him closer into a comforting hug and he sighs. Percy has no reservations about initiating intimacy and Newt basks in the knowledge that Percy will only go as far as Newt's comfortable with. He lets his head rest in the crook of Percy's neck, breathing in the man's familiar scent.  

 

"Did you name them yet?" Percy asks, and it's exactly what Newt needs. He needs to stop thinking about his failures and start thinking about what he accomplished. He'd been able to save thirty-two Acromantulas today. 

 

"Just four of them so far," Newt mumbles.  

 

"Alright. Then I'll name another four, and tomorrow we'll ask Tina, Queenie, and Jacob to name the rest. Come on, then," Percy says, nudging Newt to move. Newt startles, realizing they'd been standing by the door for who knows how long. 

 

Later, an Acromantula named Jerry promptly decides to make Percy's collar its territory and refuses to leave. Newt snorts, but his smile stays small and fragile and painful. In the back of his mind, _what if_ is stuck on a loop. 

 

Even later, as Percy and Newt are curled up together on Percy's bed, Percy breathes into Newt's ear, "You're right, you know. Over the years, I've met a lot of capable, nice, normal and law-abiding men. But I'd choose you over anyone, every time, Newt." 

 

"Hmm," Newt hums noncommitally. 

 

"I'll say it as many times as it takes for you to believe me." 

 

"You don't have to," Newt replies almost automatically, turning to bury his face on his pillow. He curls tighter into himself. 

 

"I want to. Sometime over the years, you'd somehow gotten convinced that your presence is undesirable. That may be true for those horrible people involved in illegal trafficking--" 

 

"Aren't I essentially doing the same thing? Although I do strive to acquire permits for my creatures after the fact..." Newt mumbles, his voice a bit muffled by his pillow. "Straight-laced man of the law that you are, why are you even tolerating--" 

 

"I _know_ that there is a difference, Newt. You're rehabilitating them, rescuing them. Anyone who works with you for a certain amount of time _does._ We're working on changing the law, and now that your book has been published, we expect to make actual progress. In the meantime, we'll work harder to make sure these kinds of accidents don't happen again, okay? I'll personally give a copy of your book to whoever that person was earlier that mishandled the Acromantulas," Percy says, running his fingers through Newt's hair soothingly. "So they'll know what to do next time." 

 

Newt sighs softly. "Percy, I'm..." 

 

"Having a very long day," Percy finishes for him, hugging him closer. 

 

"That, too. But... Don't you... don't you feel even just a little bit... _ashamed..._ of me?" Newt asks quietly. "You're you and I'm just... I couldn't even save... I should have gotten there sooner, and if I did then maybe..." 

 

"Shhh... I'll never be ashamed of you, Newt Scamander. You've got nothing to be ashamed of. Stop blaming yourself. I know how it feels to be too late to save someone. But you have to focus on what you can do for those that you _have_ saved," Percy states equally quietly.  

 

"They're just... _spiders._ I shouldn't be... _crying..._ over them. I shouldn't be this upset just because--" Newt sobs, burying his face deeper into his pillow and trying to escape Percy's hold. "Just because a few... _arachnids_... kicked the bucket..." 

 

"Newt, no... hey. Come here," Percy whispers, gathering Newt back into his arms. "I wouldn't trust anyone who wouldn't cry over Acromantulas, anyway. It's okay, Newt." 

 

Newt turns to look at Percy with watery eyes and tear-stained cheeks. He sniffs. 

 

"I mean it, Newt. I'm not ashamed of you and I'll never be ashamed of you. Never," Percy repeats. Newt turns his whole body so he's facing Percy, and puts his head on Percy's chest, his ear over Percy's heart. 

 

After a few minutes of silence which Percy spends stroking Newt's back, Newt speaks. "I know you're serious when you say it, you know. But even so, I just find it so hard to believe. Sometimes, I get so ashamed of myself and I feel so guilty and I think, I think, how could other people stand me? I'm a failure, a dropout, a weak little Hufflepuff nobody. How could you stand me? How could anyone stand me?" 

 

"Whoever made you think that way, Newt, I hope I never meet them," Percy croaks, tightening his hold on Newt. "You're measuring your worth by your failures and ignoring your actual, positive qualities. Me and Tina, her sister Queenie, even that No-maj Jacob, not to mention all the other people in MACUSA you've befriended since you first came here, we all like you for various reasons. I know you've got flaws, but that won't stop me from being here for you, however you need me. Your flaws won't stop me from thinking you're a decent person and a great friend." 

 

He glances at Newt, who seems to be listening. He's very focused on Percy, but he's quiet and listless. Percy continues. "You're not a nobody. You're revolutionizing how magical people all over the world treat magical beasts with your book. You're certainly not weak, even if you're a dropout. I wouldn't want to be on the other end of your wand, and neither does anyone else on my team of Aurors. You've done too many _extraordinary_ things for me to list and they won't make up for the lives you've failed to save—but there are at least a dozen species that continue to exist because of you, Newt. That has to count for something. It counts for a lot in my book, seeing as I'm included in those endangered species that you've saved. Every little thing you do _counts,_ Newt." 

 

"T-Thanks, Percy," Newt whispers. He closes his eyes so Percy takes the hint to stop talking, but not before adding one last sentence. 

 

"There are people in this world who love you just because you're you, Newt Scamander." 

 

It takes a long time for Newt to relax into true sleep, but eventually he does, listening to Percy's heartbeats. 

 

-x- 

 

In the morning, Percy helps Newt put his coat on. He carefully winds the Hufflepuff scarf on Newt's neck. It's snowing again, and Percy holds his hand out for Newt to take. Newt's still quiet and a bit subdued, but his smile isn't painful to look at anymore. His cheeks are red when he takes Percy's hand. They Apparate to MACUSA in a flurry of snow. 

 

In the morning, Percy visits Bill and gives him a free copy of _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them._ He tells him it's required reading. Jerry is peeking out of his collar and Percy gives Bill the coldest glare he could muster when the man inches a hand toward his pocket, no doubt to get his wand. 

**Author's Note:**

> The thing is, to make someone believe that they're not worthy? You have to hear it for years, frequently, before eventually, you start to believe it. Even if you somehow recover your sense of self, there will always be times when you can't help but think that there's something intrinsically wrong with you that would make someone tell you upfront. Sometimes, I manage to forget it for years, but the memory resurfaces at the most inopportune times: _Where did I go wrong in raising you?_ and it's a struggle to think of the reasons why _I'm fine just the way I am now._
> 
> So, what do you guys think? Anyone out there who wants to join my puddle of tears?


End file.
